Monday, June 27, 2011

Coming OUT of the Closet. . .

ahhhhhhhhhhhh I peaked your interest I bet but pick your jaws up because I'm NOT coming outta that closet ;) hehehehe!! The closet I've been in is . . . . the fact that I'm a CLOSETED EATER!!

Now its not like I've been in the closet eating doritos, soda, fried chicken or anything so don't get paranoid but I have been secretly indulging in Nuts in an obscene fashion.
On a scale of 1 to 10 this is probably on the lower half (somewhere between 1-5) but nonetheless its a BAD HABIT!! As I told ya'll a few days back I've been training HARD since January 1st and I've given it ALL I HAD!! During that time I would have a few nuts here and there and no biggie but while approaching my 1st show they had my FAVORITE nuts on sale 3/$10 (now this is a deal considering those foolish things were $6.99 a container). So when I saw that I HAD to stock up for afterwards and STOCK UP I did. I purchased 6 containers and hid them under my backseat and left them there until after the show. When the day of the show approached I put 1 can in my show bag and nibbled ever so sparingly. BUT when the show ended it was ON!!! I tried to gorge myself in such a fashion that I ended up dropping the entire container outside in the pouring rain so I just said forget it. For the next few weeks I did good because I was prepping for my 2nd show so I had several of those containers left. Once the last show came & went IT WAS ON!! I have been eating nuts like someone crazy. And since LC watches my nut consumption I had to keep them hidden in my car. I know ya'll still think this is NO big deal but for a person like me who's All or Nothing I made sure I gave my ALL to eating every last nut ;) And every time I ate them I felt a guilt you can't imagine (or maybe you can if you have your own secret bad habit).
Having to hide what you're doing is an obvious sign that 1) you probably shouldn't be doing it and 2) you may have a problem with whatever activity you're involving yourself in. So the real question here is WHY am I admitting this?!?! Well there's several reasons:
  1. SHAME!! My 6yr old saw me buy more nuts then put them under my seat and start grabbing them here and there and finally she said "Mommy, why are you keeping nuts in your car?" I told her I was hiding them and she said "Mommy, that's CRAZY!! Why would someone hide something in their car and sneak and eat it?!? I mean mommy if you're supposed to have them then why hide them?!?" WOWOW THE SHAME!!
  2. The GUILT of continuing this behavior was just killing me because I emotionally & physically BEAT myself up every time I allowed myself to over induldge
  3. HERNIA IRRITATION :( As ya'll already know I have this umbilical hernia and every time I eat'em (and I'm talking about even a handful) I end up with this WORST pain in my hernia and it bulges out and looks so awful. 
  4. I want ya'll to know I'm NORMAL & HUMAN like everyone else. No matter what successes I have achieved I struggle like everyone else with different vices and NUTS are mine :(
There's prolly several other reasons but these are the biggest ones and after reading them again you ask yourself like I asked myself  "WHY IN THE WORLD DO YOU DO IT THEN?!?!" Well once I really asked myself that question honestly & truthfully I had NO GOOD answer and again I felt immense shame. Just a quick thing about me if you haven't realized it already, I suffer from a guilt complex. But we'll talk about that later, lets get back to my confession. So I decided on Saturday that I was DONE!! That's IT, I QUIT, NO MORE. . .I'm going COLD TURKEY!! I know its going to be hard because I'm already thinking about Nuts but I'm STRONGER then that and I WON'T be defeated!! I feel so much better now that I've confessed this to everyone . . .first I told my bestie Kendra and she totally understood, which makes me feel better then I told LC and he shook his head and said "I knew it, I knew it!! I'm going to hafta keep my eye on you". LOLOLOL!! Honestly I knew he was going to say that which is why I told him because that's what I needed, someone to hold me accountable :) Now I've told ya'll and I feel like a load has been lifted off of me and I can move on. So here we go. . .I'm entering the Betty Ford Rehab Center for my Nut Addiction and I can't guarantee how many days I'll be in the program but unlike these celebrities I'm going to stay until I complete the program, LOLOL!! Hey at least I can joke about it. With that being said it feels GREAT to be OUT OF THE CLOSET!! Ya'll continue to Push Hard and Work for what you Want!!
ps . . .remember the 30 in 30 starts on Friday so stay on the lookout for an event invitation from me and more details to come today ;) Love all of ya'll and I'm here to support you just as much as you're here to support me and together we're headed to the TOP!!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Accepting I'm NOT a Failure

. . . YUP I said it!!
Now the question is WHY did I say it?!?! Well here's why, I've been in INTENSIVE training for this years competition season since JANUARY 1st!! That is NO LIE, NO JOKE. . . straight up FOR REAL, HARDCORE, PEDAL TO THE MEDAL Training and I had yet 1 more show planned for the year on the books that's coming up this weekend aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'M NOT COMPETING :(
Deciding NOT to compete was VERY hard for me but it honestly should've been easier when you hear the reasons why, which are:
  1. I am/have been suffering from an umbilical hernia for VERY VERY long time and lately its been getting OUT OF CONTROL because of this my health could be seriously at risk :(
  2. I have a WONDERFUL family (LC & KZ, plus all my extended kinfolks) whom I want to spend more time with. Being that I've spent so much time this year focusing on these shows I know I've alienated them and made them uncomfortable with having to run to the gym all the time and carry my food "competition" everywhere I go (I will always carry some kinda food b/c I don't eat the MESS out in the streets) 
  3. I wan to spend time growing my personal training business and time reaching out to all of ya'll and helping you in any way I possibly can!!
These are the main reasons for my decision and seeing them written here you'd think it would've been easy for me to say NO to competing this weekend but its been HARD!! I feel like such a FAILURE/QUITTER!! I am very much an All or Nothing person and after having decided what shows I wanted to do this year, saying NO to one of them is crushing me!! Now honestly I know I'm not a failure and I've made tremendous progress this year, much more then I've ever expected actually, but that doesn't stop me from having these feelings. I just can't explain to ya'll how this week has felt like the longest week of my life because I know what's its leading up to and I know I won't be there to participate. Writing this to ya'll is KILLING ME right now!! This is the main reason why I've been so quiet cause I've honestly I just don't wanna talk :( and those who know me know if I don't have anything to say SOMETHING GOT'S TO BE WRONG!!
This also explains to ya'll why I've been going through some up's & down's over the last few weeks because I knew this decision was a serious possibility and I just couldn't deal. But I know I'll be Ok in no time and right now I need to go through this emotionally down time in order to come out better on the other side. So my silence will most likely continue until thru the weekend because I'm spending some serious "QUALITY TIME" with my 2 FAVORITE people and I'm going to use that time to clear my mind and come back to reality. I'm just going to continue praying & pushing forward and working on all the things I have on my "to-do" list and everything will be ok!!
As always I Love Ya'll to pieces and I'll be talking with ya soon!! Until then STAY FOCUSED, KEEP PUSHING, & GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!!!