Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Continuation of Part 2: The STRAWS that BROKE the Camels back!!

Okie Dokie . . .I'm all hydrated and I've got some much needed EATS in my belly, so now I can continue. If you need a recap on the background you can get click here to get Part 1 & the beginning of Part 2

Well again this is a very self explanatory subject but I'll still get into specifics and how it affected me. The Loved ones I'm referring to are not only Family but Friends & Fans!! I realized that I was hurting almost everyone who cared for me and about me and that made me feel very selfish, self centered and sad that I'd let this drama get out of control. 
  • So I'll address the Family first and talk about LC. . .this man is the LOVE OF MY LIFE!! I'm going to be real here and tell ya I can't say from the day I met him (because that'd be crazy) but I can say that shortly after I truly got to know him which has now been almost 11yrs, I fell in love with the person he was, with the FREEDOM & JOY he possesses and the HAPPINESS I feel when we were together. 
here's a pic of us years ago at my sisters wedding and another one more recently at a friends wedding
If there is one person other than my mother who has seen this transformation in almost every form its taken its him. I have to admit that I've verbally hidden a lot of what I'm feeling from him. And late one night I shared with him all of what I'm sharing with you all and will continue to share in this post and to my surprise because he knows me so well he  told me that he was completely aware the entire time of what I was putting myself through. He also shared with me that I shouldn't be driving myself nuts like I am because I look good and that he loved me back in the day when I was thicker, he loved me when I was a "Skinny with a Big Head" (yes he did say that cause he's crazy) and he loves me now the way I am because I'm just fine. Of course I'm a sap and was all touched and moved to tears hehehe. I also realized that it was really hurting & bothering him to see me like this so yet another reason why I had to address my issues. 
  • Now onto my Friends . . . ohhhhhhh have I put these ladies through h#ll with my rants & raves!!  It is sad & embarrassing to say there have been 1 too many "Come To Jesus" meetings held between myself and each one of them. These special ladies (Kendra, Heather, Liz, Paula & Michelle) have all told me the same thing in their unique way (some harsher than others I'll admit) that I am living in a world of delusion and I need to be at peace with myself and happy with what I've accomplished through this life long journey. These ladies have preached to me, shared tears with me, yelled at me, virtually slapped me through the phone and everything else you can imagine. I want to apologize for driving them batty and I want to Thank them from the bottom of my heart for doing their best to make me realize my accomplishments and that I had some unresolved issues on the table. Please know that nothing that was said or done to help me fell on deaf ears or was met with an empty heart. I heard it all, I took it all in and to heart and because of you I am THANKFUL and I am HEALING!!
  • For my Fan & Followers I'll briefly touch on it here but more in depth in the next topic but I have been completely unfair and hurtful to you too!! There are so many things that I have on mind, on my to do list and in my heart to share with you all about Health, Fitness, Realizing a Dream, Making it though tough times, etc but I can't get to them for being so enthralled in my own madness & drama!! I have missed so many emails, responding to messages & requests for help only because I can't get out of my own way to see that I was put here for a much larger purpose than just helping myself. . .
And that's what brings us to this next "Straw" . . . My Purpose!! I have always loved Health & Fitness but long ago when I was in college I didn't follow my first mind or heart and pursue it as a career. Instead I did what my parents/family thought would be lucrative for me as an adult. But when I was faced with the daunting task and journey to loose 100lbs I decided it was time to follow my heart. I also prayed to God for direction and help through that journey. And as I went through the process he showed me that I was helping others go through similar journey's and that I had a higher purpose than myself here which was serving others. But somewhere along the line I forgot the Purpose and got caught up in what I've explained to you all before was supposed to only be something on my to do list/a goal/challenge/task for myself. Instead it grew into an obsession, it consumed my life, my every thought, my every step until it almost ate me alive.  Sure I'm Thankful for the path I traveled getting there and where it has led me since because without either there would be no growth. But I am also very sorry and apologize to you all and to God for forgetting why I am here in the first place. Writing these last few blogs are part of my servitude to you all & the Lord. By again revealing what I'm dealing with and going through I hope I am helping someone come to terms with their demons, issues, trials & tribulations, etc as they too successfully travel through their journeys. I so want this for myself and for everyone because I want us to all gather and celebrate our renewed being both inside and out!!!

Last Monday @ 445am I was faced with the LAST STRAW that broke my camels back!! Not that my life is any real big secret but there are somethings I've kept to myself, one of which I'm about to divulge to you right now. Despite how energetic and young I may look I will be 35yrs old in a few weeks and by the Grace of God I am fortunate enough to be marrying the Love of my Life and we will become ONE and start our family together. Now I'm grown. . .you're grown and I'm gonna keep it real here and say that neither one of us is getting any younger and the clock isn't rolling backwards nor is it standing still so we've been actively trying to have a child together. Despite being happy about this I initially thought I was conflicted, let me explain. . .part of me felt A) if I end up preggers I'd be happy that I am but sad I can't compete (remember at the time I was still caught up in me) or B) if I wasn't preggers I'd be sad that I'm not but happy that I can compete. . . UTTER INSANITY let me tell ya!!
But let me take you back to last Monday when the rubber met the road and my true feelings were revealed. I could barely sleep Sunday night knowing that Monday morning I was going to take a test to find out if we'll be having a baby or not. I mean I woke up almost every hour on the hour and finally when the alarm went off @ 445am for spin class I jumped out of the bed and raced to take a test only for it to say NO!! I WAS TOTALLY & COMPLETELY DEVASTATED!! I realized in that instance that is something I truly want, that I had been so caught up in my mental drama, internal h#ll, and self-indulged foolishness that I hadn't been honest with myself and my true feelings in my heart. After reading the results of the test I was literally paralyzed  by the sadness that had come over me and I laid on the bathroom floor for awhile yet again covered in my tears & disappointment. Then I decided to crawl back into bed and try to sleep it off. Well I slept but I'm also here to tell you that all I dreamt about was that negative test, having another child, the disappoint I felt LC would have in me because of what I'd done to my body over the course of last year and worrying would I even be able to have another child. 
As soon as he woke up that morning he said to me. . . "you didn't go to spin?", I said "no" then he looked at me in a confused fashion and said "What's wrong?", I quickly said "NOTHING" then jumped up and carried on with my day. Now ya'll know that didn't stop him from asking me 50 million more times but I continued to respond with "nothing". It wasn't until a few days later that I confessed what happened that morning (again he already knew) and confessed my real feelings and all the other things you've read over these last 3 blog entries. He reassured me that there is no disappointment and reminded me that in God's time we will be blessed with another lil munchkin. He also agreed with my desire for help and supports me 100% as he has done this entire time. 
All of these things that I have mentioned over these last few blogs and days all added up to where I am now which is working my way back on track. On Saturday I had the most freeing run of my life that helped clear my heart & my mind for the breakthrough and wonderful things that are yet to come. And trust me my BREAKTHROUGH is coming. So everyday is another day in my healing process, in my quest to get back to my purpose and my real self and another day to be reminded that . . . God won't take you to what he can't take you through!! On that note I will wrap up this lil confession and get back to work, but know The Real KQ is in the house again and she's ready to RUMBLE!!!

Love all of ya'll & wishing much Success & Blessings on your journey!!

Part 2: The STRAWS that BROKE the Camels back!!

Now you know about the H#LL I've been living in and how I got there. . . unfortunately I'm still in the midst of it but I'm working my way through and as the song says I'm "Coming Out of the Dark!!" But what was it that finally took me over the edge and made me recognize that I had a REAL PROBLEM?!?! Ohhhhh there were so many things, so many signs, so many instances, comments, thoughts, etc that happened that told me I was dealing with some serious issues but I ignored them, laughed them off, diverted my attention to something else for the time being and things continue to fester and grow. Finally I decided to acknowledge there's a REAL ISSUE here that needs to be taken care of and it was time to ask for help & help myself!
Recognizing that there's an issue and doing something to work on it is a VERY IMPORTANT and I'm THANKFUL  that I'm getting the opportunity to do just that. Unfortunately a lot times people don't get this opportunity and when they do there's a lack of recognizing a REAL ISSUE exists. So here are the straws that finally broke my camels back and made me recognize I had a problem . . .

As crazy as it sounds this particular situation is something that has happened one too many times in the last several months. And there's some very poignant ones that stand out the most that I want to share with you. . . 
  • We were in Queens this past September for the US Open and I ran across yet another blog of a competitor who'd put her body through the wringer all in the name of a blingy suit, a spray tan and a pair of 5in heels and it completely floored me and had me in FEAR because all of what she discussed sounded like she was talking about me and not herself. If you'd like to read the blog in its entirety you can view it here. But just like the blog post that sparked my writing this she discussed some of the same things. . .loss of cycle, Fat Burners, too much caffeine, liver & kidney failure, cortisol levels through the roof and so much more. It was totally & utterly scary and it had me in tears thinking about myself and had I caused this kind of damage to my body all in the name of a blingy suit, spray tan (cause ya'll know a sista don't have any color, LOLOL), Dominican blowout and some 5in heels?!?! As I stated in part 1 . . .I then decided to fall back a little on my training and strict dieting to give my body a rest
  • But the insanity, fears, tears & sadness didn't stop there. One night not too long ago LC wanted us to go out to have some fun dancing & laughing which is something with LOVE doing together. And usual I began stressing over what I was going to wear because again as I stated in Part 1 in order to give my body a rest & let it reset I'd picked up a few extra pounds I wasn't happy about. So as he showered and prepared himself I literally sat in the buff on the bedroom floor in a pool of tears. He had NO IDEA this was going on but I was covered in a mountain of clothes on the floor and a bucket full of my tears just tearing myself down from the inside out about how awful I looked. Now the real sad part is this wasn't the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time this happened. . . it was an ongoing thing and I really was sick and tired of it. I got up and got dressed, did my hair & makeup then took pics of myself smiling and what not trying to convince myself I was happy all the while I knew I wasn't! And unfortunately I know it showed when we were out together b/c I wasn't comfortable in my skin despite the fact of everyone complimenting us or checking us out. I felt like a stranger in my own Body/Life
  • As ya'll already know I work from home and please believe me I am BLESSED to do so. But sometimes that's where insanity & obsession can take over when one gets consumed with negative thoughts of themselves. And that's exactly what was happening to me. I would find myself going from mirror to mirror looking at myself, my thighs, my back, my stomach. . .or whatever the day's depression body part was. After doing this several times one day I just yelled out loud "ENOUGH KENISHA. . .ENOUGH!!" I quickly fell to my knees and began to pray and ask God to deliver me from this prison that I've voluntarily put myself in. I prayed so long & so hard I was covered in sweat and tears. And just when I thought I was done I prayed some more, I confessed some more, I asked for guidance, to be freed, to remember not only who I was but whom I was which is HIS!! This really was a major turning point in my most recent journey & I'm So Thankful for it!!

Most of ya'll already know I have a BEAUTIFUL 7yr old daughter who is my WORLD!! And the funny thing about her is she is very much both her Mommy & her Daddy. Let me explain. . .although both her dad & I are in I.T. he's a much bigger techie than me and trust me when  I tell you that my munchkin is technically savvy and has been since birth almost. She's this way because she's watched fer dad and wanted to do what he did. I mean seriously check out the picture to your right  you can't tell that little baby she's not getting work done LOLOL!! Now she's got more technology then most adults: 2 computers, awesome digital camera, 3 Nintendo DS devices, knows how to Skype, email, teaches my mom & other older folks how to do things on the internet and lets not forget that she's talking about a cellphone but she can FORGET that if I have anything to do with it. In my defense I didn't purchase all these things, most of them her dad passed down to her as he had no more use for them. Well on the flip side of that technology world she and wants to be an athlete like her mommy and looooooooooves going to the gym and working with me & training my clients. This little girl can keep up in my bootcamps better than some adults and is a pure joy to watch in action. The natural ability is remarkable and I'm sure most of you have seen the videos of her working out but here's another one of her running stairs with me this summer getting it in with perfect form!!
I just can't begin to explain the joy and happiness I feel when I watch her become pure GREATNESS in front of my eyes. There was one day in particular when I caught her getting on the scale and talking about how she needed to know what she weighed so she could get in shape. OMG I was FLOORED & EMBARRASSED knowing that she's watching my every move and knowing that she's seen & heard some of my insanity just KILLED me on the inside. There was another time when she caught my going in my stash of hidden nuts in the car and she said "Mommy why are you hiding nuts? I mean if its ok for you to have them why hide them and why do you have so many? Mommy this just looks CRAZY!!" She was right and I vowed from that point on I was going to correct my actions because  I didn't want my insanities and insecurities to rub off on such a Beautiful Creation in the making!! 
I'm going to pause for the cause here so I can go hydrate & feed myself and you can do the same, then I'll  continue Part 2 in the next blog where I'll address the last 2 "Straws"