Thursday, June 23, 2011

Accepting I'm NOT a Failure

. . . YUP I said it!!
Now the question is WHY did I say it?!?! Well here's why, I've been in INTENSIVE training for this years competition season since JANUARY 1st!! That is NO LIE, NO JOKE. . . straight up FOR REAL, HARDCORE, PEDAL TO THE MEDAL Training and I had yet 1 more show planned for the year on the books that's coming up this weekend aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I'M NOT COMPETING :(
Deciding NOT to compete was VERY hard for me but it honestly should've been easier when you hear the reasons why, which are:
  1. I am/have been suffering from an umbilical hernia for VERY VERY long time and lately its been getting OUT OF CONTROL because of this my health could be seriously at risk :(
  2. I have a WONDERFUL family (LC & KZ, plus all my extended kinfolks) whom I want to spend more time with. Being that I've spent so much time this year focusing on these shows I know I've alienated them and made them uncomfortable with having to run to the gym all the time and carry my food "competition" everywhere I go (I will always carry some kinda food b/c I don't eat the MESS out in the streets) 
  3. I wan to spend time growing my personal training business and time reaching out to all of ya'll and helping you in any way I possibly can!!
These are the main reasons for my decision and seeing them written here you'd think it would've been easy for me to say NO to competing this weekend but its been HARD!! I feel like such a FAILURE/QUITTER!! I am very much an All or Nothing person and after having decided what shows I wanted to do this year, saying NO to one of them is crushing me!! Now honestly I know I'm not a failure and I've made tremendous progress this year, much more then I've ever expected actually, but that doesn't stop me from having these feelings. I just can't explain to ya'll how this week has felt like the longest week of my life because I know what's its leading up to and I know I won't be there to participate. Writing this to ya'll is KILLING ME right now!! This is the main reason why I've been so quiet cause I've honestly I just don't wanna talk :( and those who know me know if I don't have anything to say SOMETHING GOT'S TO BE WRONG!!
This also explains to ya'll why I've been going through some up's & down's over the last few weeks because I knew this decision was a serious possibility and I just couldn't deal. But I know I'll be Ok in no time and right now I need to go through this emotionally down time in order to come out better on the other side. So my silence will most likely continue until thru the weekend because I'm spending some serious "QUALITY TIME" with my 2 FAVORITE people and I'm going to use that time to clear my mind and come back to reality. I'm just going to continue praying & pushing forward and working on all the things I have on my "to-do" list and everything will be ok!!
As always I Love Ya'll to pieces and I'll be talking with ya soon!! Until then STAY FOCUSED, KEEP PUSHING, & GIVE IT ALL YOU GOT!!!