Thursday, February 16, 2012

Part 1: How I came to reside in my private internal H#LL

Lately I haven't blogged much and it is mostly due to several internal struggles that I've been wrestling with in my life and today it's time to set myself FREE and come CLEAN!! I'm writing this blog as step in my healing process that is only just beginning and will probably be a long journey seeing as though I didn't get here over night. So here goes .  . 


Yesterday I was BLESSED & FORTUNATE to read a post from a blog that I follow where the topic was why she'd never compete again. It turned out that as I read this post the final straw that was needed to break the camels back had been found!! Those closest to me know that since I decided this past Fall that I wasn't going to compete anymore in 2011 that I've had some emotional struggles and have been dealing with an extremely distorted view of myself, my physique and also my self worth in the world of Health & Fitness. Now I know in reading that 1 sentence it's very hard for most people to even fathom this because I always present a positive and upbeat attitude and I've always got encouraging words of support. And as crazy as it seems lately I've been GREAT at leading others, giving them fitness & nutrition advice, getting them back on track, getting them to see the Big Picture and not be so focused on the scale and this and that and the other which will keep them from reaching their goals. . . but when it comes to myself I SUCK!!

After stepping away from the stage I maintained a pretty satisfactory physique for a long time then slowly I began giving myself a much needed break in my strict nutrition and workout schedule to allow my body to "heal". Heal from what you ask . . . well as luck would have it I lost my cycle March 2011 and now I had gone several months without one (everyone knows that's NOT good) and it was beginning to scare me seeing as though I'd like to have another child in the near future. Already at this point I was secretly downing myself all day everyday. I would look in the mirror and poke at this, pinch at that, say I was fat, talk about my disgust with this body part and that body part and how could I be so awful looking after I worked so hard earlier in the year and made such an impressive appearance on stage. It was and still is a constant battle everyday. . . I'd gotten so bad I was pinching and poking at things without even knowing I was doing it until LC would say "Stop That!!" Now I'll be honest and let you know he had a few select expletives he added to spice things up but I decided for the purpose of this blog I'd leave those out hehehe!! Anywho. . .During this time I tormented him, my friends (Kendra, Liz, Paula & Heather) and mostly MYSELF everyday with my insanity. But truthfully this isn't where it all began. For the real & honest picture I had to take a step back realize it started during my first year of competing.
After going 5-6 years of trying to get on stage and overcoming almost every obstacle you could imagine a Dream was finally realized April 2010. At that time I looked better than I had in years and I felt GREAT! I went on stage and did well for my first time. . .then I graced the stage again looking even better and the outcome reflected it. By then I'd moved to CT and decided it was time to focus on building my life & home here so I let the reigns go a little and that's where the obsession started. The holidays were over, I'd put some if not most of my weight back on and I was DISGUSTED with myself. Instead of taking a step back then and allowing myself to realize I was perfectly alright I decided 2011 was my year and I jump in feet first and moved full steam ahead. Looking back I realize why I did that then and why I've been doing it now. . . it was the Fear of the Fat Gurl who still resides in me. It was the constant comparing myself to this person & that person, their journey and their background, also comparing myself to who I once was, ultimately all of this became my driving force but in a negative way (this is something I'm finally realizing)!! This caused me to loose focus on my purpose and get caught up in what was supposed to be a little challenge for myself. Instead it became my LIFE!! It was my everything. . . all I talked about, all I did, all I thought about. . . my constant 24/7 focus. However instead of being pleased with myself and my progress as I got leaner & leaner I became more dissatisfied with myself and found more & more things to criticize. Instead of being a wake-up call it gave me more fuel to my fire. And let me tell you that little spark did more then ignite a flame. . . .it became a full blown Smokey The Bear type of forest fire. . .

Now I find myself in a full blown H#LL feeling like I'm trapped with no way to escape. . . but The Devil is a Liar!! I would look at myself and see despair, disappointment, discouragement, disgust, and just dayum right foolishness (I had to think of another D word hehehe)!! Family, friends, fans, strangers, etc would compliment me on my physique or how fit I looked and before I could say Thank You I would say something negative or think something negative. Do you know I caught myself telling someone a few weeks ago that  I'd rather claw my eyes out rather than look at myself the way I am right now!! This was of course after he said
"You know I never got a chance to tell you what a good job you did last year preparing for your shows and how good you looked. And I don't mean any harm or disrespect by saying this but you were entirely too small, but you look GREAT now!! Keep up the good work!!" 
All I could think after he said that was "who is he to say I was too small", "why would he think that I look good the way I am . . .doesn't he see my fat this and my fat that and how awful I look right now?" His comments made me start doing more and more self-evaluation but still my insanity continued. I found myself being unable to get dressed to go somewhere with my fiance and enjoy myself without being in utter disgust of how I looked, constantly looking in the mirror, the store window, etc without making internal negative comments to myself. By the way this is something that has gone on for over 2yrs, its just gotten worse and more uncontrollable now. I knew I had an issue, I thought I wanted help, I would apologize to those around me over and over yet I wouldn't change what I was doing. I was like a drug addict or alcoholic who used to hide their addiction until it took over their lives and they could no longer keep it under wraps. Sad to say but reminiscent of what happened to Whitney Houston. . . this was another situation that sparked deep thought on my part because she may have been slowly killing herself with drugs, alcohol and all the other damaging things she was doing to her body but how am I any different?? Here I was physically pushing myself to the limits where I had no cycle, my body was vitamin & nutrient deficient, hernia was flaring up and on the verge of causing me serious damage which would possibly require emergency surgery. Then as I mentioned earlier . . . I read the blog post and decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!!


**Stay tuned for Part 2**