Finally organzing all my Vids

 Well I've been sitting here going through all my videos between here, Facebook, YouTube & my cellphone to make sure I've shared all of them with ya'll and I think I was successful. So if ya have a spare minute feel free to check'em out by viewing my Video page. I'll be recording some new workout videos VERY SOON because I've finally purchased a tripod so I can stop trying to rig inventive ways to capture the shot. I hope you enjoy and if you'd like to see anything special let me know
KQ~

Continuation of Part 2: The STRAWS that BROKE the Camels back!!

Okie Dokie . . .I'm all hydrated and I've got some much needed EATS in my belly, so now I can continue. If you need a recap on the background you can get click here to get Part 1 & the beginning of Part 2

HURTING THOSE WHO LOVE ME 

Well again this is a very self explanatory subject but I'll still get into specifics and how it affected me. The Loved ones I'm referring to are not only Family but Friends & Fans!! I realized that I was hurting almost everyone who cared for me and about me and that made me feel very selfish, self centered and sad that I'd let this drama get out of control. 

• So I'll address the Family first and talk about LC. . .this man is the LOVE OF MY LIFE!! I'm going to be real here and tell ya I can't say from the day I met him (because that'd be crazy) but I can say that shortly after I truly got to know him which has now been almost 11yrs, I fell in love with the person he was, with the FREEDOM & JOY he possesses and the HAPPINESS I feel when we were together. 

here's a pic of us years ago at my sisters wedding and another one more recently at a friends wedding

If there is one person other than my mother who has seen this transformation in almost every form its taken its him. I have to admit that I've verbally hidden a lot of what I'm feeling from him. And late one night I shared with him all of what I'm sharing with you all and will continue to share in this post and to my surprise because he knows me so well he  told me that he was completely aware the entire time of what I was putting myself through. He also shared with me that I shouldn't be driving myself nuts like I am because I look good and that he loved me back in the day when I was thicker, he loved me when I was a "Skinny with a Big Head" (yes he did say that cause he's crazy) and he loves me now the way I am because I'm just fine. Of course I'm a sap and was all touched and moved to tears hehehe. I also realized that it was really hurting & bothering him to see me like this so yet another reason why I had to address my issues. 

• Now onto my Friends . . . ohhhhhhh have I put these ladies through h#ll with my rants & raves!!  It is sad & embarrassing to say there have been 1 too many "Come To Jesus" meetings held between myself and each one of them. These special ladies (Kendra, Heather, Liz, Paula & Michelle) have all told me the same thing in their unique way (some harsher than others I'll admit) that I am living in a world of delusion and I need to be at peace with myself and happy with what I've accomplished through this life long journey. These ladies have preached to me, shared tears with me, yelled at me, virtually slapped me through the phone and everything else you can imagine. I want to apologize for driving them batty and I want to Thank them from the bottom of my heart for doing their best to make me realize my accomplishments and that I had some unresolved issues on the table. Please know that nothing that was said or done to help me fell on deaf ears or was met with an empty heart. I heard it all, I took it all in and to heart and because of you I am THANKFUL and I am HEALING!!
• For my Fan & Followers I'll briefly touch on it here but more in depth in the next topic but I have been completely unfair and hurtful to you too!! There are so many things that I have on mind, on my to do list and in my heart to share with you all about Health, Fitness, Realizing a Dream, Making it though tough times, etc but I can't get to them for being so enthralled in my own madness & drama!! I have missed so many emails, responding to messages & requests for help only because I can't get out of my own way to see that I was put here for a much larger purpose than just helping myself. . .

REALIZING I FORGOT HIS PURPOSE FOR ME

And that's what brings us to this next "Straw" . . . My Purpose!! I have always loved Health & Fitness but long ago when I was in college I didn't follow my first mind or heart and pursue it as a career. Instead I did what my parents/family thought would be lucrative for me as an adult. But when I was faced with the daunting task and journey to loose 100lbs I decided it was time to follow my heart. I also prayed to God for direction and help through that journey. And as I went through the process he showed me that I was helping others go through similar journey's and that I had a higher purpose than myself here which was serving others. But somewhere along the line I forgot the Purpose and got caught up in what I've explained to you all before was supposed to only be something on my to do list/a goal/challenge/task for myself. Instead it grew into an obsession, it consumed my life, my every thought, my every step until it almost ate me alive.  Sure I'm Thankful for the path I traveled getting there and where it has led me since because without either there would be no growth. But I am also very sorry and apologize to you all and to God for forgetting why I am here in the first place. Writing these last few blogs are part of my servitude to you all & the Lord. By again revealing what I'm dealing with and going through I hope I am helping someone come to terms with their demons, issues, trials & tribulations, etc as they too successfully travel through their journeys. I so want this for myself and for everyone because I want us to all gather and celebrate our renewed being both inside and out!!!

THE SIGN SAID "NO" 

Last Monday @ 445am I was faced with the LAST STRAW that broke my camels back!! Not that my life is any real big secret but there are somethings I've kept to myself, one of which I'm about to divulge to you right now. Despite how energetic and young I may look I will be 35yrs old in a few weeks and by the Grace of God I am fortunate enough to be marrying the Love of my Life and we will become ONE and start our family together. Now I'm grown. . .you're grown and I'm gonna keep it real here and say that neither one of us is getting any younger and the clock isn't rolling backwards nor is it standing still so we've been actively trying to have a child together. Despite being happy about this I initially thought I was conflicted, let me explain. . .part of me felt A) if I end up preggers I'd be happy that I am but sad I can't compete (remember at the time I was still caught up in me) or B) if I wasn't preggers I'd be sad that I'm not but happy that I can compete. . . UTTER INSANITY let me tell ya!!

But let me take you back to last Monday when the rubber met the road and my true feelings were revealed. I could barely sleep Sunday night knowing that Monday morning I was going to take a test to find out if we'll be having a baby or not. I mean I woke up almost every hour on the hour and finally when the alarm went off @ 445am for spin class I jumped out of the bed and raced to take a test only for it to say NO!! I WAS TOTALLY & COMPLETELY DEVASTATED!! I realized in that instance that is something I truly want, that I had been so caught up in my mental drama, internal h#ll, and self-indulged foolishness that I hadn't been honest with myself and my true feelings in my heart. After reading the results of the test I was literally paralyzed  by the sadness that had come over me and I laid on the bathroom floor for awhile yet again covered in my tears & disappointment. Then I decided to crawl back into bed and try to sleep it off. Well I slept but I'm also here to tell you that all I dreamt about was that negative test, having another child, the disappoint I felt LC would have in me because of what I'd done to my body over the course of last year and worrying would I even be able to have another child. 

As soon as he woke up that morning he said to me. . . "you didn't go to spin?", I said "no" then he looked at me in a confused fashion and said "What's wrong?", I quickly said "NOTHING" then jumped up and carried on with my day. Now ya'll know that didn't stop him from asking me 50 million more times but I continued to respond with "nothing". It wasn't until a few days later that I confessed what happened that morning (again he already knew) and confessed my real feelings and all the other things you've read over these last 3 blog entries. He reassured me that there is no disappointment and reminded me that in God's time we will be blessed with another lil munchkin. He also agreed with my desire for help and supports me 100% as he has done this entire time. 

IN THE END. . .

All of these things that I have mentioned over these last few blogs and days all added up to where I am now which is working my way back on track. On Saturday I had the most freeing run of my life that helped clear my heart & my mind for the breakthrough and wonderful things that are yet to come. And trust me my BREAKTHROUGH is coming. So everyday is another day in my healing process, in my quest to get back to my purpose and my real self and another day to be reminded that . . . God won't take you to what he can't take you through!! On that note I will wrap up this lil confession and get back to work, but know The Real KQ is in the house again and she's ready to RUMBLE!!!

Love all of ya'll & wishing much Success & Blessings on your journey!!

KQ~

Part 2: The STRAWS that BROKE the Camels back!!

Now you know about the H#LL I've been living in and how I got there. . . unfortunately I'm still in the midst of it but I'm working my way through and as the song says I'm "Coming Out of the Dark!!" But what was it that finally took me over the edge and made me recognize that I had a REAL PROBLEM?!?! Ohhhhh there were so many things, so many signs, so many instances, comments, thoughts, etc that happened that told me I was dealing with some serious issues but I ignored them, laughed them off, diverted my attention to something else for the time being and things continue to fester and grow. Finally I decided to acknowledge there's a REAL ISSUE here that needs to be taken care of and it was time to ask for help & help myself!
Recognizing that there's an issue and doing something to work on it is a VERY IMPORTANT and I'm THANKFUL  that I'm getting the opportunity to do just that. Unfortunately a lot times people don't get this opportunity and when they do there's a lack of recognizing a REAL ISSUE exists. So here are the straws that finally broke my camels back and made me recognize I had a problem . . .

COVERED IN FEARS & TEARS  

As crazy as it sounds this particular situation is something that has happened one too many times in the last several months. And there's some very poignant ones that stand out the most that I want to share with you. . . 

• We were in Queens this past September for the US Open and I ran across yet another blog of a competitor who'd put her body through the wringer all in the name of a blingy suit, a spray tan and a pair of 5in heels and it completely floored me and had me in FEAR because all of what she discussed sounded like she was talking about me and not herself. If you'd like to read the blog in its entirety you can view it here. But just like the blog post that sparked my writing this she discussed some of the same things. . .loss of cycle, Fat Burners, too much caffeine, liver & kidney failure, cortisol levels through the roof and so much more. It was totally & utterly scary and it had me in tears thinking about myself and had I caused this kind of damage to my body all in the name of a blingy suit, spray tan (cause ya'll know a sista don't have any color, LOLOL), Dominican blowout and some 5in heels?!?! As I stated in part 1 . . .I then decided to fall back a little on my training and strict dieting to give my body a rest
• But the insanity, fears, tears & sadness didn't stop there. One night not too long ago LC wanted us to go out to have some fun dancing & laughing which is something with LOVE doing together. And usual I began stressing over what I was going to wear because again as I stated in Part 1 in order to give my body a rest & let it reset I'd picked up a few extra pounds I wasn't happy about. So as he showered and prepared himself I literally sat in the buff on the bedroom floor in a pool of tears. He had NO IDEA this was going on but I was covered in a mountain of clothes on the floor and a bucket full of my tears just tearing myself down from the inside out about how awful I looked. Now the real sad part is this wasn't the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time this happened. . . it was an ongoing thing and I really was sick and tired of it. I got up and got dressed, did my hair & makeup then took pics of myself smiling and what not trying to convince myself I was happy all the while I knew I wasn't! And unfortunately I know it showed when we were out together b/c I wasn't comfortable in my skin despite the fact of everyone complimenting us or checking us out. I felt like a stranger in my own Body/Life
• As ya'll already know I work from home and please believe me I am BLESSED to do so. But sometimes that's where insanity & obsession can take over when one gets consumed with negative thoughts of themselves. And that's exactly what was happening to me. I would find myself going from mirror to mirror looking at myself, my thighs, my back, my stomach. . .or whatever the day's depression body part was. After doing this several times one day I just yelled out loud "ENOUGH KENISHA. . .ENOUGH!!" I quickly fell to my knees and began to pray and ask God to deliver me from this prison that I've voluntarily put myself in. I prayed so long & so hard I was covered in sweat and tears. And just when I thought I was done I prayed some more, I confessed some more, I asked for guidance, to be freed, to remember not only who I was but whom I was which is HIS!! This really was a major turning point in my most recent journey & I'm So Thankful for it!!

THE LITTLE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING

Most of ya'll already know I have a BEAUTIFUL 7yr old daughter who is my WORLD!! And the funny thing about her is she is very much both her Mommy & her Daddy. Let me explain. . .although both her dad & I are in I.T. he's a much bigger techie than me and trust me when  I tell you that my munchkin is technically savvy and has been since birth almost. She's this way because she's watched fer dad and wanted to do what he did. I mean seriously check out the picture to your right  you can't tell that little baby she's not getting work done LOLOL!! Now she's got more technology then most adults: 2 computers, awesome digital camera, 3 Nintendo DS devices, knows how to Skype, email, teaches my mom & other older folks how to do things on the internet and lets not forget that she's talking about a cellphone but she can FORGET that if I have anything to do with it. In my defense I didn't purchase all these things, most of them her dad passed down to her as he had no more use for them. Well on the flip side of that technology world she and wants to be an athlete like her mommy and looooooooooves going to the gym and working with me & training my clients. This little girl can keep up in my bootcamps better than some adults and is a pure joy to watch in action. The natural ability is remarkable and I'm sure most of you have seen the videos of her working out but here's another one of her running stairs with me this summer getting it in with perfect form!!

 

I just can't begin to explain the joy and happiness I feel when I watch her become pure GREATNESS in front of my eyes. There was one day in particular when I caught her getting on the scale and talking about how she needed to know what she weighed so she could get in shape. OMG I was FLOORED & EMBARRASSED knowing that she's watching my every move and knowing that she's seen & heard some of my insanity just KILLED me on the inside. There was another time when she caught my going in my stash of hidden nuts in the car and she said "Mommy why are you hiding nuts? I mean if its ok for you to have them why hide them and why do you have so many? Mommy this just looks CRAZY!!" She was right and I vowed from that point on I was going to correct my actions because  I didn't want my insanities and insecurities to rub off on such a Beautiful Creation in the making!! 

I'm going to pause for the cause here so I can go hydrate & feed myself and you can do the same, then I'll  continue Part 2 in the next blog where I'll address the last 2 "Straws"

HURTING THOSE WHO LOVE ME
REALIZING I FORGOT HIS PURPOSE FOR ME
THE SIGN SAID "NO"

KQ~

Part 1: How I came to reside in my private internal H#LL

Lately I haven't blogged much and it is mostly due to several internal struggles that I've been wrestling with in my life and today it's time to set myself FREE and come CLEAN!! I'm writing this blog as step in my healing process that is only just beginning and will probably be a long journey seeing as though I didn't get here over night. So here goes .  . 

I HAVE QUIETLY BEEN LIVING IN MY OWN SELF-INFLICTED H#LL . . .MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY & EMOTIONALLY AND I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!

Yesterday I was BLESSED & FORTUNATE to read a post from a blog that I follow where the topic was why she'd never compete again. It turned out that as I read this post the final straw that was needed to break the camels back had been found!! Those closest to me know that since I decided this past Fall that I wasn't going to compete anymore in 2011 that I've had some emotional struggles and have been dealing with an extremely distorted view of myself, my physique and also my self worth in the world of Health & Fitness. Now I know in reading that 1 sentence it's very hard for most people to even fathom this because I always present a positive and upbeat attitude and I've always got encouraging words of support. And as crazy as it seems lately I've been GREAT at leading others, giving them fitness & nutrition advice, getting them back on track, getting them to see the Big Picture and not be so focused on the scale and this and that and the other which will keep them from reaching their goals. . . but when it comes to myself I SUCK!!

 MY INTERNAL H#LL & HOW I CAME TO RESIDE THERE. . .
After stepping away from the stage I maintained a pretty satisfactory physique for a long time then slowly I began giving myself a much needed break in my strict nutrition and workout schedule to allow my body to "heal". Heal from what you ask . . . well as luck would have it I lost my cycle March 2011 and now I had gone several months without one (everyone knows that's NOT good) and it was beginning to scare me seeing as though I'd like to have another child in the near future. Already at this point I was secretly downing myself all day everyday. I would look in the mirror and poke at this, pinch at that, say I was fat, talk about my disgust with this body part and that body part and how could I be so awful looking after I worked so hard earlier in the year and made such an impressive appearance on stage. It was and still is a constant battle everyday. . . I'd gotten so bad I was pinching and poking at things without even knowing I was doing it until LC would say "Stop That!!" Now I'll be honest and let you know he had a few select expletives he added to spice things up but I decided for the purpose of this blog I'd leave those out hehehe!! Anywho. . .During this time I tormented him, my friends (Kendra, Liz, Paula & Heather) and mostly MYSELF everyday with my insanity. But truthfully this isn't where it all began. For the real & honest picture I had to take a step back realize it started during my first year of competing.
After going 5-6 years of trying to get on stage and overcoming almost every obstacle you could imagine a Dream was finally realized April 2010. At that time I looked better than I had in years and I felt GREAT! I went on stage and did well for my first time. . .then I graced the stage again looking even better and the outcome reflected it. By then I'd moved to CT and decided it was time to focus on building my life & home here so I let the reigns go a little and that's where the obsession started. The holidays were over, I'd put some if not most of my weight back on and I was DISGUSTED with myself. Instead of taking a step back then and allowing myself to realize I was perfectly alright I decided 2011 was my year and I jump in feet first and moved full steam ahead. Looking back I realize why I did that then and why I've been doing it now. . . it was the Fear of the Fat Gurl who still resides in me. It was the constant comparing myself to this person & that person, their journey and their background, also comparing myself to who I once was, ultimately all of this became my driving force but in a negative way (this is something I'm finally realizing)!! This caused me to loose focus on my purpose and get caught up in what was supposed to be a little challenge for myself. Instead it became my LIFE!! It was my everything. . . all I talked about, all I did, all I thought about. . . my constant 24/7 focus. However instead of being pleased with myself and my progress as I got leaner & leaner I became more dissatisfied with myself and found more & more things to criticize. Instead of being a wake-up call it gave me more fuel to my fire. And let me tell you that little spark did more then ignite a flame. . . .it became a full blown Smokey The Bear type of forest fire. . .

Now I find myself in a full blown H#LL feeling like I'm trapped with no way to escape. . . but The Devil is a Liar!! I would look at myself and see despair, disappointment, discouragement, disgust, and just dayum right foolishness (I had to think of another D word hehehe)!! Family, friends, fans, strangers, etc would compliment me on my physique or how fit I looked and before I could say Thank You I would say something negative or think something negative. Do you know I caught myself telling someone a few weeks ago that  I'd rather claw my eyes out rather than look at myself the way I am right now!! This was of course after he said

"You know I never got a chance to tell you what a good job you did last year preparing for your shows and how good you looked. And I don't mean any harm or disrespect by saying this but you were entirely too small, but you look GREAT now!! Keep up the good work!!" 

All I could think after he said that was "who is he to say I was too small", "why would he think that I look good the way I am . . .doesn't he see my fat this and my fat that and how awful I look right now?" His comments made me start doing more and more self-evaluation but still my insanity continued. I found myself being unable to get dressed to go somewhere with my fiance and enjoy myself without being in utter disgust of how I looked, constantly looking in the mirror, the store window, etc without making internal negative comments to myself. By the way this is something that has gone on for over 2yrs, its just gotten worse and more uncontrollable now. I knew I had an issue, I thought I wanted help, I would apologize to those around me over and over yet I wouldn't change what I was doing. I was like a drug addict or alcoholic who used to hide their addiction until it took over their lives and they could no longer keep it under wraps. Sad to say but reminiscent of what happened to Whitney Houston. . . this was another situation that sparked deep thought on my part because she may have been slowly killing herself with drugs, alcohol and all the other damaging things she was doing to her body but how am I any different?? Here I was physically pushing myself to the limits where I had no cycle, my body was vitamin & nutrient deficient, hernia was flaring up and on the verge of causing me serious damage which would possibly require emergency surgery. Then as I mentioned earlier . . . I read the blog post and decided ENOUGH WAS ENOUGH!!

KQ~

**Stay tuned for Part 2**