Part 2: The STRAWS that BROKE the Camels back!!

Now you know about the H#LL I've been living in and how I got there. . . unfortunately I'm still in the midst of it but I'm working my way through and as the song says I'm "Coming Out of the Dark!!" But what was it that finally took me over the edge and made me recognize that I had a REAL PROBLEM?!?! Ohhhhh there were so many things, so many signs, so many instances, comments, thoughts, etc that happened that told me I was dealing with some serious issues but I ignored them, laughed them off, diverted my attention to something else for the time being and things continue to fester and grow. Finally I decided to acknowledge there's a REAL ISSUE here that needs to be taken care of and it was time to ask for help & help myself!
Recognizing that there's an issue and doing something to work on it is a VERY IMPORTANT and I'm THANKFUL  that I'm getting the opportunity to do just that. Unfortunately a lot times people don't get this opportunity and when they do there's a lack of recognizing a REAL ISSUE exists. So here are the straws that finally broke my camels back and made me recognize I had a problem . . .

COVERED IN FEARS & TEARS  

As crazy as it sounds this particular situation is something that has happened one too many times in the last several months. And there's some very poignant ones that stand out the most that I want to share with you. . . 

• We were in Queens this past September for the US Open and I ran across yet another blog of a competitor who'd put her body through the wringer all in the name of a blingy suit, a spray tan and a pair of 5in heels and it completely floored me and had me in FEAR because all of what she discussed sounded like she was talking about me and not herself. If you'd like to read the blog in its entirety you can view it here. But just like the blog post that sparked my writing this she discussed some of the same things. . .loss of cycle, Fat Burners, too much caffeine, liver & kidney failure, cortisol levels through the roof and so much more. It was totally & utterly scary and it had me in tears thinking about myself and had I caused this kind of damage to my body all in the name of a blingy suit, spray tan (cause ya'll know a sista don't have any color, LOLOL), Dominican blowout and some 5in heels?!?! As I stated in part 1 . . .I then decided to fall back a little on my training and strict dieting to give my body a rest
• But the insanity, fears, tears & sadness didn't stop there. One night not too long ago LC wanted us to go out to have some fun dancing & laughing which is something with LOVE doing together. And usual I began stressing over what I was going to wear because again as I stated in Part 1 in order to give my body a rest & let it reset I'd picked up a few extra pounds I wasn't happy about. So as he showered and prepared himself I literally sat in the buff on the bedroom floor in a pool of tears. He had NO IDEA this was going on but I was covered in a mountain of clothes on the floor and a bucket full of my tears just tearing myself down from the inside out about how awful I looked. Now the real sad part is this wasn't the 1st, 2nd or 3rd time this happened. . . it was an ongoing thing and I really was sick and tired of it. I got up and got dressed, did my hair & makeup then took pics of myself smiling and what not trying to convince myself I was happy all the while I knew I wasn't! And unfortunately I know it showed when we were out together b/c I wasn't comfortable in my skin despite the fact of everyone complimenting us or checking us out. I felt like a stranger in my own Body/Life
• As ya'll already know I work from home and please believe me I am BLESSED to do so. But sometimes that's where insanity & obsession can take over when one gets consumed with negative thoughts of themselves. And that's exactly what was happening to me. I would find myself going from mirror to mirror looking at myself, my thighs, my back, my stomach. . .or whatever the day's depression body part was. After doing this several times one day I just yelled out loud "ENOUGH KENISHA. . .ENOUGH!!" I quickly fell to my knees and began to pray and ask God to deliver me from this prison that I've voluntarily put myself in. I prayed so long & so hard I was covered in sweat and tears. And just when I thought I was done I prayed some more, I confessed some more, I asked for guidance, to be freed, to remember not only who I was but whom I was which is HIS!! This really was a major turning point in my most recent journey & I'm So Thankful for it!!

THE LITTLE PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING

Most of ya'll already know I have a BEAUTIFUL 7yr old daughter who is my WORLD!! And the funny thing about her is she is very much both her Mommy & her Daddy. Let me explain. . .although both her dad & I are in I.T. he's a much bigger techie than me and trust me when  I tell you that my munchkin is technically savvy and has been since birth almost. She's this way because she's watched fer dad and wanted to do what he did. I mean seriously check out the picture to your right  you can't tell that little baby she's not getting work done LOLOL!! Now she's got more technology then most adults: 2 computers, awesome digital camera, 3 Nintendo DS devices, knows how to Skype, email, teaches my mom & other older folks how to do things on the internet and lets not forget that she's talking about a cellphone but she can FORGET that if I have anything to do with it. In my defense I didn't purchase all these things, most of them her dad passed down to her as he had no more use for them. Well on the flip side of that technology world she and wants to be an athlete like her mommy and looooooooooves going to the gym and working with me & training my clients. This little girl can keep up in my bootcamps better than some adults and is a pure joy to watch in action. The natural ability is remarkable and I'm sure most of you have seen the videos of her working out but here's another one of her running stairs with me this summer getting it in with perfect form!!

 

I just can't begin to explain the joy and happiness I feel when I watch her become pure GREATNESS in front of my eyes. There was one day in particular when I caught her getting on the scale and talking about how she needed to know what she weighed so she could get in shape. OMG I was FLOORED & EMBARRASSED knowing that she's watching my every move and knowing that she's seen & heard some of my insanity just KILLED me on the inside. There was another time when she caught my going in my stash of hidden nuts in the car and she said "Mommy why are you hiding nuts? I mean if its ok for you to have them why hide them and why do you have so many? Mommy this just looks CRAZY!!" She was right and I vowed from that point on I was going to correct my actions because  I didn't want my insanities and insecurities to rub off on such a Beautiful Creation in the making!! 

I'm going to pause for the cause here so I can go hydrate & feed myself and you can do the same, then I'll  continue Part 2 in the next blog where I'll address the last 2 "Straws"

HURTING THOSE WHO LOVE ME
REALIZING I FORGOT HIS PURPOSE FOR ME
THE SIGN SAID "NO"

KQ~