Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I'm NOT the Big Girl they said I was . . .

I'm sure MANY of you will be able to relate to what I'm about to say today and why I'm saying it, but. . .


So why am I saying this and where'd it come from all of a sudden. Well those answers are pretty dern simple, you see what had happened was (LOLOL) . . . This morning LC had to be up at like 4:30am for work (odd for him to have to be the one waking up early instead of me, but it was his turn for a change). So when he got up I turned on the TV and there was some fitness infomercial on (don't get me to lying cause I don't remember which one?!?!). While I was partially awake and listening to the infomercial this lady says "I'm NOT the Big Girl they always said I was". WOWOWOW!! At that exact moment I woke up (briefly) and listened to her because I could totally relate. To give you a little background history I am the youngest by 9+ years of 2 girls. My older sister was a model and she was the ISH on the runway & in pics (still is. . . she will serve it up on the runway like none other). So obviously she was Tall & Uber Thin & HAWT and as I grew up I was the Bigger one. Now I'm sure my friends and family meant nothing by it but when I would say I wanted a haircut like hers or to wear something or whatever I'd hear . . . "Oh you can't do that because. . .your necks too big, you're too muscular, you're the Bigger one, etc". So hearing that I grew up always thinking I was the Big Girl and that was that. 
Needless to say I was in shape through high school and college for the most part but still I was BIGGER. Bigger then my mom, my sister, my friends heck everyone except for the few chicks who were taller than me and even they were slender in comparison to me. But hey it was no biggie I accepted it and kept it moving. As I got older I was that "Thick Chick", "Dragging a Wagon", "Big Seat" and all other names folks could think of to describe me and again I accepted it because that's who I was Right?!?!? Well once I hit 245lbs I felt for sure everyone was right but I was so uncomfortable & UNHAPPY. . . so were they Right about me or not?!?!
NO THEY WERE WRONG. . . I wasn't that person and I quickly found it out as I started my weight loss journey! As I began to shed the weight I started seeing The REAL Me then I really became confused because now the person whom I thought I was, whom I had been told I was, whom I'd even seen in the mirror previously was NOT real!! This was the REAL me. . .long, lean, fit, fabulous & FIERCE! Despite recognizing this new person and trying my best to enjoy her I still DIDN'T ACCEPT IT!! I still saw myself with my FAT mind. I shopped (and still shop) with my Fat mind, I look down at my legs or my body and my FAT mind tells me it's something different then I really know it is. I am HONESTLY admitting that only RECENTLY, and when I say recently I mean in the last few days after looking at pics of myself from the show, do I TRULY see myself as that LONG, LEAN, FIT, FABULOUS & FIERCE chick who's been living inside of me for 34 years. 

All of this is to say . . . PLEASE BE COGNIZANT of what you're saying to people because after hearing something about yourself for so long you start to believe it and make it true!! Because I know how this feels first hand I am very aware of what I say to my daughter and how I praise her continuously. I let her know that she's Gawgeous, Smart, Funny, Perfectly Built and anything else I can think of to keep her from having delusional ideals of who she REALLY is!! This is a painful struggle and I know I make light of it and joke around on a continuous basis but that doesn't mean this situation doesn't TORMENT sometimes. And that is one of the main reasons why I blog and talk to you all about it because it allows me to release myself of this emotional baggage that has plagued me so I can move one & GROW as a person and hopefully help someone else either overcome the same thing or keep them from going thru the same thing. So on that note I will bid you farewell and get back to work and say as always I Love's Ya'll and I'll talk to ya soon!!